Marital discord and unstable family relationships are on the rise. If we try to fathom the innermost depths of the whole issue, we realize that at the root lies the different conceptions that each person has about the relation between a man and a woman. There are three major viewpoints regarding this relationship: (i) male superiority, (ii) equality, and (iii) complementarity. For many centuries, people all over the world have subscribed to the ‘male superiority’ viewpoint. Hindu scriptures too is replete with stories of male gods who either make a display of great valour or help to restore the welfare of their disciples. The Vedic concept of ardhanarishwara — half male, half female deity — symbolizes the equality and unity of the masculine and the feminine. But it has rarely, if ever, found manifestation in the actual life of couples.
As the concept of democratic living and governance has
evolved, and particularly as an effect of the
women’s liberation movement in Western countries, a slow change has taken place
in the relative
freedom of women in relation to men. Today, the ‘equality’ model is strongly
advocated all over the
world. Every year more and more nations and states, or provinces within the
nations, are working out policies, and successfully implementing them, to favour
women’s empowerment. Research on gender differences has also supported this
view. Except two characteristics — physical strength and aggressiveness — that
men have significantly more of, there are almost no qualitative differences
between women and men. Proponents of this equality model also feel that constantly
exercising it at all levels — educational, social, and governmental — will bring
the required change in the mindset of both men and women. As a consequence, it will
improve the quality of family life. Wives and husbands, mothers and fathers, girls
and boys, will enjoy equal status and mutual respect; the members of the family will remain more trustfully and affectionately related to
each other.
The third viewpoint of ‘complementarity’ believes that,
since there are strengths and weaknesses in both genders, the weaknesses of one
can be compensated with the strengths of the other, and vice versa. The symbol
of ardhanarishwara can also be interpreted as one of male-female complementarity.
Taoism, another Eastern philosophy, also suggests the same. The principles of
Yin and Yang (Female and Male), although separate, are also present within each
other.
This principle of complementarity seems to be present in all
animal species. Rejecting it may create more confusion about one’s proper role
and behaviour. It can also be argued that differences make men and women more dependent on each other — one is incomplete without the
other. For this reason, couples that understand their complementarity make happier
families.
Counselling based on the principle of complementarity alone
can help strengthen family relationships. Instead of making futile efforts to
force equality between genders — which may go against instinctual drives — appealing on the basis of complementarity
would be better and more naturally accepted.
Source – excerpts from article titled ‘Counselling for Healthier Family Relationships’ by Dr Bharat Desai in Prabuddha Bharata Magazine June 2008 issue.
Further explanation and additional thoughts:
Complementarity in Married Life: Insights from the Hindu Perspective
The concept of complementarity, emphasizing the interdependence and unique strengths of genders, serves as a cornerstone in understanding human relationships. This principle acknowledges that while men and women possess different attributes, these distinctions are not adversarial but synergistic, offering a framework for harmony and mutual growth. Rooted in Hindu philosophy and symbolized by Ardhanarishwara, the principle of male-female complementarity extends profound insights into the institution of marriage, providing guidance for overcoming challenges and fostering unity.
The Symbolism of Ardhanarishwara
Ardhanarishwara, a composite form of Lord Shiva and Goddess Parvati, epitomizes the essence of complementarity. Depicted as half-male and half-female, this deity embodies the equilibrium of masculine and feminine energies. In Hindu philosophy, Shiva represents consciousness and the static principle, while Parvati symbolizes energy and the dynamic principle. Together, they portray that neither aspect can function independently; both are essential for creation and sustenance.
This symbolism extends to marital relationships, where the strengths and attributes of one partner balance and complete those of the other. Just as Shiva and Parvati together form a holistic entity, a husband and wife, through their unique traits and contributions, can forge a harmonious and fulfilling partnership.
Complementarity in Married Life: Practical Insights
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Emotional Balance
Complementarity enables emotional balance in relationships. Women are often associated with emotional intelligence, nurturing instincts, and empathy, while men are traditionally linked to traits such as logic, resilience, and decisiveness. While these generalizations are not absolute, they highlight how spouses can support each other by compensating for their emotional blind spots. For instance, during times of stress, one partner’s calm demeanor can help soothe the other's anxiety, fostering a stable and supportive environment. -
Division of Responsibilities
In traditional Hindu households, complementarity often manifests in the division of responsibilities. Historically, men have assumed roles as providers, focusing on external affairs, while women have managed domestic responsibilities, ensuring the household's emotional and functional well-being. Though modern relationships advocate a more egalitarian approach, the principle of complementarity can still guide couples in allocating tasks based on individual strengths and preferences, reducing conflict and enhancing cooperation. -
Problem-Solving and Decision-Making
The differing perspectives of men and women often lead to more comprehensive decision-making. A wife’s intuition and attention to detail can complement her husband’s strategic thinking, allowing them to tackle problems collaboratively. For example, financial planning in a household can benefit from the husband’s risk-taking approach combined with the wife’s cautious and prudent mindset. -
Parenting
Parenting exemplifies complementarity, as both parents contribute unique strengths to their child’s upbringing. Fathers often encourage risk-taking and independence, while mothers provide emotional security and nurture. Together, they create a balanced environment that nurtures the child’s physical, emotional, and intellectual growth.
Hindu Perspectives on Marital Harmony
In Hindu culture, marriage is viewed not merely as a social contract but as a spiritual journey toward self-realization. Several scriptures emphasize the complementary roles of husband and wife:
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Dharma, Artha, Kama, Moksha
According to Hindu philosophy, marriage serves as a vehicle for fulfilling the four goals of life: dharma (duty), artha (prosperity), kama (desire), and moksha (liberation). The husband and wife, by pooling their unique qualities, work together to achieve these goals. The wife’s role in preserving dharma and nurturing familial relationships complements the husband’s efforts in providing artha and pursuing moksha. -
Rituals and Practices
Hindu rituals underscore the interdependence of genders. For example, during a Hindu wedding, the couple takes seven steps (Saptapadi) together, symbolizing their joint commitment to fulfilling life’s responsibilities. Similarly, the husband and wife jointly perform religious rites, reflecting their shared spiritual journey. -
Ideal Couples in Hindu Mythology
Hindu epics and Puranas abound with examples of ideal couples who exemplify complementarity. Sita and Rama, for instance, demonstrate mutual respect and dedication, while Radha and Krishna symbolize the balance of love and devotion. These narratives inspire couples to embrace their differences and strive for unity.
Resolving Marital Discord Through Complementarity
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Understanding and Empathy
The principle of complementarity encourages couples to view their differences as strengths rather than sources of conflict. For example, if a husband values practicality while the wife prioritizes emotional connection, recognizing these traits as complementary can help them approach challenges with empathy and mutual understanding. -
Conflict Resolution
Complementarity offers a framework for resolving disputes by encouraging couples to focus on shared goals and strengths. For instance, during financial disagreements, the analytical skills of one partner can complement the budgeting skills of the other, leading to practical and effective solutions. -
Strengthening Bonds
Celebrating each other’s strengths can deepen intimacy and trust. For example, acknowledging the wife’s nurturing role and the husband’s protective instincts can help both partners feel valued and appreciated.
Potential Disadvantages of Complementarity
While complementarity offers numerous benefits, it is not without its challenges:
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Reinforcement of Gender Stereotypes
Overemphasis on complementarity can perpetuate traditional gender roles, limiting individual growth and autonomy. For instance, expecting women to exclusively manage domestic responsibilities may hinder their professional aspirations. -
Imbalance of Power
If one partner’s strengths are consistently prioritized over the other’s, it can create an imbalance of power, leading to resentment and dissatisfaction. This underscores the importance of mutual respect and equality in complementarity. -
Miscommunication
Differences in perspectives may sometimes lead to misunderstandings, especially if couples fail to recognize or appreciate each other’s contributions. Effective communication is essential to bridge these gaps.
Other Factors to Consider in Marital Relationships
While complementarity is vital, successful marriages also depend on other factors:
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Communication
Open and honest communication forms the foundation of any healthy relationship. Couples must express their needs, concerns, and appreciation for each other to maintain harmony. -
Mutual Respect
Respecting each other’s individuality and choices is crucial for fostering trust and collaboration. Complementarity should not overshadow personal agency or preferences. -
Shared Goals and Values
Aligning on core values and aspirations helps couples navigate life’s challenges as a team. Shared spiritual or cultural practices, for instance, can strengthen the marital bond. -
Adaptability
Modern marriages require adaptability to evolving roles and expectations. Complementarity should be flexible, allowing couples to redefine their responsibilities based on changing circumstances.
The principle of complementarity, as illustrated by Hindu philosophy and the symbolism of Ardhanarishwara, offers a profound understanding of marital relationships. By recognizing and celebrating each other’s strengths, couples can foster harmony, overcome conflicts, and create a balanced partnership. However, it is essential to balance complementarity with mutual respect, open communication, and adaptability to ensure that it enhances rather than limits the relationship. Ultimately, complementarity, when embraced with understanding and empathy, can transform marriage into a fulfilling and spiritual journey.