Expectation & Selfishness: The Roots of Suffering - Hinduism

Hindu teachings emphasize that expectations and selfishness are the root causes of suffering in relationships. Selflessness, detachment, and the realization of unity in all beings form the basis of healthy, fulfilling relationships. Cultivating these virtues brings liberation and joy.

Insights from Hindu Scriptures

1. Bhagavad Gita

   • "One who is unattached to the fruits of his work and who works as he is obligated is in the renounced order of life, and he is the true mystic, not he who lights no fire and performs no work." (BG 6.1)
     Explanation: Expectations from relationships often stem from attachment to outcomes. Detachment from fruits of actions and fulfilling duties selflessly can reduce suffering.

   • "He who is free from desires and expectations, and who is satisfied in the Self, by the Self, is truly happy." (BG 2.55)
     Explanation: The root of suffering is attachment and selfishness. Contentment arises from realizing the Self.

2. Srimad Bhagavatam

   • "The mind, when fixed upon the Self, becomes free of desires. When it is free from all selfish actions, it realizes the Absolute Truth and achieves peace." (SB 11.13.31)
     Explanation: The Bhagavatam emphasizes that selflessness and surrender to the Divine alleviate suffering caused by expectations in relationships.

3. Ashtavakra Gita

   • "He who is without desires or aversions, sees all things as his own Self and remains unaffected by pleasure and pain." (AG 1.16)
     Explanation: When one perceives relationships without personal gain or loss, the burden of expectation dissolves, leading to harmony.

4. Upanishads

   • "The one who sees all beings in his own Self, and his Self in all beings, experiences no hatred by virtue of that realization." (Isa Upanishad 6)
     Explanation: When relationships are based on oneness rather than selfish motives, suffering ceases.

Insights from Hindu Sages

1. Ramana Maharshi

   • "Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render to the world."
     Explanation: Relationships should not be based on external expectations but on the realization of one’s own Self, which naturally fosters love and understanding.

2. Swami Vivekananda

   • "The great lesson is that unity is behind all. Call it God, Love, Spirit—anything. But it is unity that is the basis of all work, of all life."
     Explanation: Selfishness and division in relationships arise from forgetting this unity.

3. Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev

   • "When you are full, you naturally overflow. Relationships are not about extracting happiness, but about sharing."
     Explanation: Expectations often stem from seeking fulfillment through others, leading to suffering. True joy is sharing from a place of completeness.

4. Swami Sivananda

   • "Detach. Attach yourself to the Divine. Then only will you experience freedom in relationships."
     Explanation: Freedom from selfish desires leads to healthy, spiritual relationships.

5. Nisargadatta Maharaj

   • "To know yourself as you are, you must stop imagining yourself to be this or that. Let all self-identifications cease."
     Explanation: Selfishness in relationships arises from identifying oneself with personal desires and roles.

Stories from Hindu Scriptures

1. The Story of Narada and Maya (Srimad Bhagavatam)
   Narada once asked Vishnu about the nature of Maya (illusion). Vishnu asked Narada to fetch water. Narada became entangled in a life where he married and had children, forgetting his purpose. When the illusion was lifted, Narada realized that expectations and selfish attachments had caused his suffering.
   Moral: Relationships based on selfishness and illusion lead to bondage and pain.

2. The Story of the Gopis and Krishna (Bhagavatam)
   The Gopis loved Krishna selflessly, without expectations. Even when Krishna left, their love remained pure. Their suffering was transformed into a deeper union with the Divine.
   Moral: Selflessness in relationships brings divine bliss, even in separation.

3. The Pandavas and Draupadi’s Exile
   Despite facing betrayal and suffering, the Pandavas held no selfish grudge and continued fulfilling their dharma. Their selflessness and adherence to higher principles sustained their relationships.
   Moral: Suffering is reduced when relationships are anchored in duty and selflessness.

Modern Reflections

• Chidananda Saraswati: "Expectations kill love. Unconditional love begins when the mind stops demanding."
• Swami Chinmayananda: "The love that demands is no love. Real love is a spontaneous flow of service."

In Hinduism, suffering (dukkha) in relationships is often traced to the ego’s insistence on attachment and desire. When we approach others with expectations, we are essentially seeking to control external reality to satisfy internal voids. This selfishness creates a transactional bond where love is conditional, leading to inevitable disappointment when human imperfections arise.

The Bhagavad Gita teaches Nishkama Karma—action without attachment to results. Applying this to relationships means shifting from "what can I get?" to "how can I serve?" By dissolving selfish expectations and practicing detached love, we align with our true nature (Atman), finding peace regardless of external circumstances.